I have many excuses…there is so much I am learning from researching about writing and publishing(true). Am learning about about new things scientists are learning about depression and the brain (true). I had to transfer information from a crashed computer and get it organized. I had to buy a new computer, and then turn it in for a replacement. I had writing assignments. I am learning new writing software I think will really help (true – Scrivener and EverNote). I’m even organizing things I learn on EverNote as I go through the day, which will save me lots of time later. I’m getting to know other bloggers. Grandson and family are in a crisis. I am tired after my vacation…. all true.
But – I have not been writing. That’s not good.
The truth is, since before vacation, I am putting off really writing any part of my actual book – or even really writing the e-books I plan for “en-route.”…I have to confess the culprit is FEAR…and Perfectionism…and my old friend, Unworthiness. (I’ll prove it to you, just watch me fail.) I sit down at the computer and there are lots of things happening EXCEPT the writing I genuinely want to be doing. I notice that I am not even blogging regularly because of this huge iceberg floating around in my sea. Except today. Here I am spilling the beans to whoever comes around.
I started out so confident, so sure I will get this done. And I still think I will, but first I’d better confront what’s pushing me back. For me, the best way is writing. And who knows? Someone may even relate.
It’s not “writer’s block as I understand it. When I get a freelance assignment, the words flow smoothly. I have plenty of ideas of what to write about for the book, more every day. Ideas and quotes and research and snippets everywhere. It is giving in to anxiety
I find I am shaking a little as I am writing, and I have been feeling anxiety lately I couldn’t understand, “What’s this?” I’d ask myself as I was out watering the vegetables with my pulse racing, a knot in stomach, shaky, clumsy. Nothing wrong. Sunny day. But now I think I understand why. I’m not doing what I need to be doing and I’ve been covering it up to myself.
Part of the fear is in revisiting the worst
days years of my life. TRIGGERS. I have defenses built up which serve me well to keep the depression at bay…despite occasional breakthrough moodiness. But when I started writing about those years, I experienced some PTSD, and the old neuropeptides woke up all over the body and slathered another meal. I have to get this under control now so they go back to sleep.
I must tell you, it’s my BODY which carries these feelings and it’s a recycling, self-feeding loop. I get anxious, and the chemicals start flowing, the neuropeptides start carrying the “look out” message ti all my body processes and organs. Then I get afraid of feeling anxious, want it to go away. I look for reasons outside me. Then I react to someone and cause them to react back. (If only they acted differently, I would’t be anxious.) Then I feel more anxious and I’ve actually created drama to reinforce the cycle. Come to think of it, didn’t I have a few marriages like that? Story for another day.
YIKES. Red Flag. Blogger (ME) sits, looking out the window – notices she is biting her knuckles – hard.
Old coping mechanism – physical pain to distract from emotional pain. Funny, image wasn’t hard to find either . Others must do this too. It was automatic.
I didn’t realize how much I needed to share what’s happening in me until I felt those teeth on my knuckles.
So, I need to put some gentle protection around my present self and craft a routine where I can stay securely anchored in my present reality while writing about “that”one. I need that routine for protection from old triggers.
Now that i know what’s going on with me, I have a few things I need to do to create a lovely, clear, safe writing space. I have some calming exercises I need to do, and some deep breathing; I have some affirmations to write and post around me, some music to select.
And, believe it or not, I feel much better now and motivated. Thanks for “listening.” Have you ever noticed that when you share on a blog no one interrupts you?? lolol
Hope your Wednesday (or whatever day it is when you read this) is going well.