OK, So I Am Procrastinating Writing

I have many excuses…there is so much I am learning from researching about writing and publishing(true). Am learning about about new things scientists are learning about depression and the brain (true). I had to transfer information from a crashed computer and get it organized. I had to buy a new computer, and then turn it in for a replacement. I had writing assignments. I am learning new writing software I think will really help (true – Scrivener and EverNote). I’m even organizing things I learn on EverNote as I go through the day, which will save me lots of time later. I’m getting to know other bloggers.  Grandson and family are in a crisis. I am tired after my vacation…. all true.

 

But – I have not been writing.  That’s not good.

The truth is, since before vacation, I am putting off really writing any part of my actual book – or even really writing the e-books I plan for “en-route.”…I have to confess the culprit is FEAR…and Perfectionism…and my old friend,  Unworthiness.  (I’ll prove it to you, just watch me fail.) I sit down at the computer and there are lots of things happening EXCEPT the writing I genuinely want to be doing.  I notice that I am not even blogging regularly because of this huge iceberg floating around in my sea.  Except today.   Here I am spilling the beans to whoever comes around.

I started out so confident, so sure I will get this done.  And I still think I will, but first I’d better confront what’s pushing me back.  For me, the best way is writing.  And who knows?  Someone may even relate.

It’s not “writer’s block as I understand it.  When I get a freelance assignment, the words flow smoothly.  I have plenty of ideas of what to write about for the book, more every day.  Ideas and quotes and research and snippets everywhere.  It is giving in to anxiety

 and not disciplining myself to sit down and write x number of words today and x number more tomorrow and so on ANYWAY.

I find I am shaking a little as I am writing, and I have been feeling anxiety lately I couldn’t understand, “What’s this?” I’d ask myself as I was out watering the vegetables with my pulse racing, a knot in stomach, shaky, clumsy.  Nothing wrong.  Sunny day.  But now I think I understand why.  I’m not doing what I need to be doing and I’ve been covering it up to myself.

Part of the fear is in revisiting the worst days years of my life.  TRIGGERS.  I have defenses built up which serve me well to keep the depression at bay…despite occasional breakthrough moodiness.  But when I started writing about those years, I experienced some PTSD, and the old neuropeptides woke up all over the body and slathered another meal.  I have to get this under control now so they go back to sleep.

 

I must tell you, it’s my BODY which carries these feelings and it’s a recycling,  self-feeding loop.  I get anxious, and the chemicals start flowing, the neuropeptides start carrying the “look out” message ti all my body processes and organs.  Then I get afraid of feeling anxious, want it to go away.  I look for reasons outside me.  Then I react to someone and cause them to react back. (If only they acted differently, I would’t be anxious.) Then I feel more anxious and I’ve actually created drama to reinforce the cycle.  Come to think of it, didn’t I have a few marriages like that?  Story for another day.

Chewing my knuckles? Old, old habit!

YIKES.  Red Flag.  Blogger (ME) sits, looking out the window – notices she is biting her knuckles – hard.

Old coping mechanism – physical pain to distract from emotional pain.  Funny, image wasn’t hard to find either .  Others must do this too.  It was automatic.

I didn’t realize how much I needed to share what’s happening in me until I felt those teeth on my knuckles.

So, I need to put some gentle protection around my present self and craft a routine where I can stay securely anchored in my present reality while writing about “that”one.  I need that routine for protection from  old triggers.

Now that i know what’s going on with me, I have a few things I need to do to create a lovely, clear, safe writing space.  I have some calming exercises I need to do, and some deep breathing;  I have some affirmations to write and post around me, some music to select.

And, believe it or not, I feel much better now and motivated.  Thanks for “listening.”   Have you ever noticed that when you share on a blog no one interrupts you?? lolol

Hope your Wednesday (or whatever day it is when you read this) is going well.