“I am here to share the love and challenges and wisdom of many years on the planet, and my current journey, in the hopes someone besides me benefits. I want us to all love ourselves better, to live our lives more effectively and to leave behind everything that disempowers us. The Love and Peace of God, expressing through my open heart, shall be my lighthouse and my GPS system” (from “about me”)”
I am away from home, visiting beloved children and grandchildren. Now maybe some people have fairy-tale-close “Father-Knows-Best/Brady-Bunch” happily-ever-after relationships with said beloveds, but in my case it’s a something we all have to work at. The gratitude I have is that my children, who for long years wanted nothing to do with me, are now willing to join me in the working-on-it part. They are in their 40’s and clearer about who they are, and I in my 70’s am not so much the distressed mess I once was. I have written before about my insights about the ways that my children suffered as much from my depression as I did. And we all pay for it with difficult lives and broken relationships.
I started this post out with my own quote, because I have to remind myself of it every now and again, well often, both in life and in art.
In Life: When I arrived in town I was full of angst; being with family brings up things in me I usually can avoid. As regards my children, I am re-inventing myself from the victim role I lived in for so long (“why don’t they love me?” – “they call their stepmother ‘mom’- I guess I’m just an extra in their movie” – and the dismissive “they know where I live” for when it hurt really badly). I asked for Divine guidance and got “Just stay centered in peace, and radiate love. And, Be generous in spirit. And, You have nothing to prove.” When I re-read my “About Me” today, I realized that my mission statement as a writer applied equally to my family.
In Art: Sorry I’ve been gone so long. I have been sidetracked by accepting too many freelancing orders. I finally realized that I actually don’t want to write articles for money that just don’t meet my writing mission. They took way too much time and research and I felt stressed about deadlines – and empty. Originally, I had started freelancing to earn money- yes, always good – but also to get started writing every day again, and to hone my skills after some time away. I find that my skills are just fine, and while it’s good to be writing, it’s better to be writing from my heart-space. So, last evening I wrote to the clients whose contract stresses me the most and asked to be released from the assignment. It was very freeing. I feel some pride in having written more than 50 articles in the past 6 months but I realized the only ones I was proud of as “my work” allowed me to share something with people that informed or inspired them in some way or shared an insight. Now I am proud of my freedom.
And, especially lately, I just did not have time for my personal writing – my blogs and my book – and I completely blew Writing 101. Boo. It was for me. And I am so tired all the time. So I have to resolve the tension between wanting to supplement my income, to have more “means” to live within, and wanting the freedom to write about what my 72 years here on Planet earth have taught me. That kind of writing brings me the added benefit of added insight as I write.
Anyway, I hope I can, I think I can, devote an hour a day to my blog when I get back – both writing mine and reading some of yours – and then 2 hours per day to the book – and take on a reduced freelancing schedule – and still have time to sing, to garden, to see friends, and to just sit on the patio and listen to the birds.