LOVE THEM ANYWAY? You say I don’t understand your anger – your pain – your depression – your anxiety. I understand all too well. You say I don’t understand that they want to HURT you – have hurt you. I understand. I do!
And I understand that your anger, your depression, your anxiety are all ROBBING you of your well-deserved happiness. They are robbing you of your self-esteem. They are robbing you of your health and productivity. How do I know? Because that’s what they do to me. Even now. Twenty years into recovery.
Now I didn’t say to necessarily spend time with them. I suggested that you LOVE them…because it’s something you can do to keep other people’s issues, no matter how close, from hurting YOU.
Don’t let their issues define you.
For example, I have been working through some painful family issues recently around a grown child in their 40’s who is holding onto residue from the past and angrily blaming me for their current unhappiness. OK. I was depressed. I tried very hard every single day but was not able to be available in some important ways, though I thought we were close. I’m very sorry and have told him so. But I can’t make the past un-happen. I didn’t ask for the depression. Maybe they have it too and it’s covered with anger. I hope some day this person’s hurt will be healed. I send them Love.
Another family member blew up at me a few months back after misinterpreting something I said. Now I know she is in a lot of pain for very good reasons, but none of that was caused by me. For whatever reason she needs me to be who she imagines me to be. I hope some day her hurt will be healed. I send her love
I wanted to defend myself both times. And engage in the fight. Still have to control that urge…except it won’t do any good and ruminating about it is hurtful to me. I had some lovely answers to their rants in my head after I hung up the phone each time. And I went through some days of depression and shame each time, letting their anger re-define me. But I am not who they think I am and I don’t want to fall into the trap of resentment and bitterness they are both caught in. It can be contagious. And deadly. There, but for the Grace of God – and Al-Anon Family Groups – go I, still. Yes, our family is rife with alcoholism and I am lucky to have escaped that particular trap – as, interestingly, have the people I am talking about. I wish they had the information I have been given, but I’m not the one who can impart it to them them. And I can’t just give them my years of meetings and hard work on myself.
I can’t control anyone else’s thoughts, feelings or behavior, believe me I banged my head on that wall for years before 15 years in Al-Anon taught me to “Let Go with Love”….and “Let go and Let God.” I can’t control how someone else is experiencing me through their filter. No amount of my talking will change either of their filters.
But it is up to ME to control MY life experience. I can control my thoughts and what they focus on. I can control my behavior, my responses to life. I can control my hopes, dreams and desires. I can control how I spend my time, what I read and study, what I write, who I hang out with, the beauty I surround myself with. And by controlling all those things, I can also manage my feelings and not drown in the negative ones. I can choose LOVE. (Progress not Perfection). It’s something positive to do. More positive than you may know.
But there’s MORE! There’s also the Law of Attraction combined with Quantum physics, which tells me that everything is energy, always in motion, at different speeds and frequencies – and that I am a magnet for experiences that vibrate at my frequency. “Like energy attracts like energy” like a tuning fork sounds in a room when one of like frequency is struck. And I get to manage my energy frequency. What I focus on, expands. What I resist, persists. SO, if I want more happiness, I’d best get busy focusing my attention on things that fulfill me and make me happy. And it would be good to stop resisting those folks’ anger. OK. It is what it is. Accept it and move on – REFOCUS! They are adults and they have to make their own peace with life. I can send Love. And by sending Love, I increase the amount of Love I experience in my life, starting with myself, and in the Universe… as I am called to do. They may never return my love in quite the way I wish, so it may not come from them, thought it could. But I can still send it, no strings attached. And there is much more Love from other sources.
SO – if a relationship on your life is causing you distress, send Love to their hearts and blessings to their lives. Wish for them every good thing you wish for yourself. Even if they can’t seem to get their act together. Even if they don’t love you as you would wish. Even if they abused you – in which case you will want to set boundaries first to protect yourself and you probably have some grief and forgiveness work to do – for YOUR peace of mind – and be grateful you don’t have to bear their level of internal pain… and send Love.
Most importantly, send LOVE because that’s WHO you really are at your core and it’s important to be true to your beautiful soul. That’s where your true happiness lies. Don’t let their issues take the shine off of your beauty. do your work and let them do their own. You will find the Universe responds by sending you good things. It’s the Law (of Attraction). Karma. What comes around goes around.
Namaste, I Love you.